I ain't ever satisfied.

I am, and always have been, my own worst critic. It's painfully apparent to me, and even people who don't know me all that well have said, "dang, girl, you're too hard on yourself." While I've learned to be nicer to myself, I still have a habit of beating myself up if I feel like I didn't live up to my own expectations, whether it's cooking, knitting, fiddling, singing, dog training, whatever. I always think I could have done better.

I realize this is the bane of most artistic people, and the depression doesn't help. Artistic people are statistically more likely to suffer mood disorders, so there's the double-whammy. Chronic depression often orders up a side of anxiety, because the double despair burger with extra angst sometimes isn't quite enough. WHEE. And then? Then you find yourself having that Smeagol/Gollum conversation with yourself.

Gollum: I suck.

Smeagol: You don't suck. Sure, there's always work to do, and improvements to be made, but that doesn't mean you suck.

Gollum: I totally suck.

Smeagol: Think about what you're saying here. Why do you suck?

Gollum: I forgot a verse/repeated a verse/forgot the words/flubbed a note/my voice cracked/my D string was all fuzzy/insert random reason for suckage here.

Smeagol: You're the only one who notices those things.

Gollum: I suck. Suckatola. Suckorama. Makin copies. SUUUUUUUUUCK.

Smeagol: If you sucked, would people keep inviting you back?

Gollum: Maybe they're just being charitable or they can't find anyone else.

Smeagol: I know you don't really believe that.

Gollum: SUUUUUUUUUUCK.

Smeagol: What about the little kids? Little kids LOVE you. And they don't say things just to be nice.

Gollum: They don't know I'm not real.

Smeagol: Not real? If I poke you in the eye with a knitting needle, you'll squall like a little girl. You're plenty real.

Gollum: I'm a velveteen rabbit.

Smeagol: Nope. No way. Because all the Velveteen Rabbit needed to be Real was to be truly loved. And you are definitely that.

Gollum: Okay. But I still suck.

And on it goes. Sometimes reasonably content, but never completely satisfied with the output. I don't write this to elicit sympathetic "you don't suck" responses - I write this because I know many of us have this same struggle. Logically I know everyone has been a beginner, everyone has sucked at some point, and no one sprang full grown from the head of Mozart with immediate prodigious ability at anything. There's always work to be done - often the real challenge is taking the first step to Just Do It. And don't we have a plethora of excuses for not taking that first step? Too old, too tired, too broke, not enough time, blahblahblahblahblah.

I always tell people that excuses are crap. Why don't I follow my own advice? I know what I need to do to suck less. So why don't I buck up buttercup and DO IT? It's not like I have anything to lose.

Well. Till next time - think about what you have to do to suck less, and JUST DO IT.

Are you excited?

What gets you excited? I mean, really excited down to the ends of your toes? What makes you so glad to be on this big green marble that you just CAN'T STAND IT? Furthermore, can you answer that question sincerely without having to think about it?

Well, I can this morning. For me it's music and knitting. I know that's no surprise to any of you, and really no surprise to me either, but today is different. Today I am re-excited.

It's way too easy, in the midst of the mundane - the day job, the laundry, the cat box - to forget the things that excite you, and exactly why they excite you. Now, alla y'all know that I knit and play music all year long, but when you do something all the time, it's easy to revert to autopilot and forget to savor the moment. Oh hey, here's another gig out in the cold. Oh hey, another pair of socks. Woohoo. Happy happy joy joy. I can hardly wait. Y'all know what I'm talking about. You scoot right along on that autopilot and then, if you're lucky, you get a swift hard kick in the rear.

I got mine yesterday, thanks to a couple of strangers asking me about my knitting project (why, SOCKS, of course) in the doctor's waiting room, and from a gracious group of fine musicians who suffered this infant to play along with them last night. I can't tell any of them exactly how grateful I am, because the words don't exist. (Damn you, English language!) All I can say is Thank You, but I can express my gratitude by going forth with renewed enthusiasm about the things that have excited me all along. And maybe, just maybe, I can get someone else excited too.

Till next time --- GET EXCITED!

Other things to think about besides politics.

I can only speak for myself, but I'm tired of all the political weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth. Personally, I'd like to rest my brain on some other things right now, and I imagine some of you would too. So, in no particular order, here are a few things I think are worthy of your brain waves. (I'll start with the heavy stuff so you can't miss it, but if you stick with it, you'll be rewarded with the fun parts.)


1. There was a big-ass hurricane on the East Coast, followed by a big-ass snowstorm. This hasn't gone away yet, y'all. People still need your help.If you don't want to give to the Red Cross or the Salvation Army, spend a few minutes on the Google and find a charity that suits you. It's cold up there and people are homeless and hungry. Give them a few minutes of your time. Every little bit counts.

2. Did you know human trafficking is the second largest organized crime in the world? Yep. Slavery. Still happening. And in spite of its status on the organized crime scale, it gets almost no press. Children and adults are sold into the sex trade or held for forced servitude around the world - including the United States. Yes, I said INCLUDING THE UNITED STATES. You want freedom in this country? Let's put the smackdown on human trafficking: http://www.polarisproject.org/.

Now for the fun parts.

3. Celtic music. No, Celtic Woman does not count. Just because a pretty Irish girl sings "My Heart Will Go On," that doesn't make it Celtic. I'm talking about music so hot you'll need a cold shower when you get home. If you are lucky enough to live in or around Nashville, you have McNamara's Irish Pub: http://www.mcnamarasirishpub.com/#!our-music . If don't live around here. . . well, that's your misfortune, but I'm sure you can find something pleasing to your ear. Visiting your local establishments and supporting your local artists is always a worthy goal. Slainte! (p.s. - go vote for McNamara's at Urban Spoon so they can be #1.)


4. Puppies. With devil horns.

6. Cats. In grocery bags.

7. Cider.  Strongbow, Magners, Fox Barrell, Crispin, Woodchuck, Woodpecker, homemade, whatever. Cider. It's what's for dinner.

8. Movies. Lincoln, Les Miserables, and The Hobbit. WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO! Daniel Day-Lewis, Hugh Jackman, and Martin Freeman all in new movies. That's some of the best acting in the world right there. If you can't get excited about any of that, well, I'm sorry, but you can't be helped.

9. Chili. Beans, no beans, meat, no meat, hot, mild, Cincinnati style, however you like it. It's time for chili. Preferably with Fritos and shredded cheese. Goes well with cider.

10. The Holidays. Well, it had to be said, didn't it? Thanksgiving is just a few weeks away, and Christmas is the day after. (okay, not really the day after, but it kinda feels like that sometimes.) For all the hassles they tend to create, I still love the holidays. I love cooking for the meals and I love making gifts. Heck, I'm all warm and fuzzy just thinking about it.

See? Plenty of things to busy your brain with besides political rhetoric. Take a break, y'all, before somebody has an infarction. And till next time ---- keep calm and drink cider.

Is it worth it, part 2.

Oh, Election Year. How do I detest thee? Let me count the ways.

On second thought - no, I don't have time for that. But let me ask you again: is it really worth it?

I think all of us on Facebook have seen our share of acrimonious exchanges regarding political views amongst our friends. Now, I have no problem with intelligent, civil discourse; in fact, I enjoy it. A good debate with a worthy adversary is always welcome. And when we're finished, we say, "well played," and leave it at that. But sadly, that doesn't seem to be the way of things right now.

Here's a typical exchange. A Tweedledum supporter will post a link/story about Tweedledum and how he's the best man for the job. Tweedledee's supporters then begin chiming in with things like "that's not true because I read something on the Interwebs from a tertiary news source that says so" or "you're crazy if you support Tweedledum because he's a communist/fascist/religiouswingnutjob/whatever," then supporters of both candidates jump into the online fray and it ends with someone shouting "I'm not going to be friends with you anymore WHAAARRRRGAAAARRRBL."

Really? Not friends anymore over POLITICS? Come ON. I can think of a few good reasons to tell someone to take a hike, but politics isn't usually one of them.

Look. I have a lot of friends. Many of them have different opinions than me on a variety of subjects. A couple of them even make me wonder from time to time what they've been smoking. But here's the thing: we're friends because we agree more than we disagree, and the things we disagree on aren't nearly as important as the things we do agree on. If we can have a good time swapping stories and sharing laughs, then I'm sure as heck not going to disown you because you voted for The Other Guy.

I can honestly say that my life is so much the richer for knowing people who have different opinions and ideas. Do you really want all your friends to be just like you?

So the next time you get the urge to go all WHAAAARRRRGAAARRRBL on someone because you don't appreciate their political jab/opinion/newslink/whatever, ask yourself if it's worth it. Is it furthering your mission in life? Is it right? Is it kind? Is it true? No? Then DON'T DO IT. Go do something positive instead.

Till next time --- Kinky Friedman for President.

Why I do this.

Well, here I am, back again after family emergencies and a busy fall season. I'm grateful for a little down time before the next round of performances and other commitments. Things are a little normal for right now, but I don't expect it to last long, what with THE HOLIDAYS coming up and all.

I've been reenacting since 1995. I know a lot of people think it's a strange hobby. I'm okay with that, and frankly I don't care. We all do what enriches us, whether it's bunjee jumping or sleeping in a canvas tent in freezing (or unbearably hot) weather. Add historic music into the mix, and it gets even weirder, I guess. I mean, who spends most of their time listening to 200+ year-old songs? I haven't listened to contemporary radio regularly in eons, and everytime I get a small earful of it, everybody sounds alike to me - but that's another story for another time. The last music I got was Woody Guthrie's Centennial collection, a birthday gift from Mister. Yep. Definitely behind the times.

I know folks wonder why I do this. Well, I'll tell you.

It's the people.

The people who help you put up your tent in the dark and make sure you have everything you need for the night. . . the people who tell you not to bring any food because they've got it all covered. . . the people who loan you extra blankets because you didn't plan on it being so cold. . . and the people who bring you ice when you didn't plan on it being so hot. The people who share all their best resources with you so you can learn more. . . the people who walk you through a new tune so you can play along without looking like a complete idiot. And of course, the people who appreciate what you do enough to come back year after year and sit through all your shows.

But the best thing of all is. . .well, I'll just have to show you the picture. Even with all my schooling in how to finesse the English language, there are no words to tell you how much this birthday card means to me, given to me by a young lady I see maybe twice a year. I will cherish it always, and it is in these things that I am rich.

Till next time - make sure you count your wealth in the things money can't buy.

Ask yourself if it's really worth it.

This has been a hard year. It's just one thing after another. Right on the heels of several deaths of friends, my older brother had a surprise heart attack complete with a double bypass, and just this week he had emergency surgery to remedy the C-diff infection he contacted while recovering from the first surgery. This is going to mean huge adjustments for him, but without the surgery, he would have died. HE WOULD HAVE DIED. As I write this, he is still under controlled sedation and probably will be for a couple more days.

My mom was supposed to be on vacation in Atlantic City, and my brother was supposed to be feeding gorillas at the zoo. He was looking forward to his summer job. (He retired a few years back and now does pretty much whatever he wants.) But instead, Mom's getting worn out running back & forth to the hospital, where my brother, who used to take me to the movies at Christmas and buy me records, is currently unconscious.

So let me ask you: is it worth it?

Is it worth it to get the last word in every discussion or debate, even f someone's feelings are needlessly hurt?   Is it worth it to speed up so the guy in the car next to you can't change lanes, because you're in such a freakin hurry? Is it worth it getting irritated at a squalling child in a public place? Is it worth it to always get your way? Is it worth it getting pissed off at some ridiculous comment someone posted on Facebook?

Well, is it?

I'm not saying we should never get angry, or that we should never fight for something worthwhile. Anger is often the root of many great accomplishments, because it spurs people to action. No, I'm talking about all the mundane stupid shit we're so quick to get irritated about, and yes, I'm as guilty as anyone. But this last month or two, and especially this week, I've been giving that a lot of thought.

How hard is it, really, to just slow down for two seconds and let a fellow driver over? Unless you're driving a police car or an ambulance, you're not in that big of a hurry. The universe won't collapse if you pause for two or three seconds. How hard is it to say "okay, fair enough" and let someone else have the last word? How hard is it to give away just a sliver of lovingkindness? It doesn't cost you anything. To paraphrase Thomas Jefferson, it neither picks your pocket nor breaks your leg.

And instead of judging strangers, how hard is it to remember that everyone is fighting a battle of some kind? Just because you don't see it doesn't mean it isn't there. We never know someone's circumstances.

Think about it. And till next time --- open your heart as well as your eyes, for the heart often sees more than the eyes can comprehend.

Thoughts on July 4.

Once again, it's Independence Day in the US, and once again, I'll encourage everyone to watch the John Adams miniseries. John Adams often gets short shrift in history, but he was truly a dynamic figure, and he was completely dedicated to his cause. The Boston Massacre case could have destroyed his career, but he took it anyway because he believed in everyone's right to a fair trial under the law. For just a moment, ponder the gravity of that risk. Then ask yourselves who among us would be willing to take such a risk now. How many would set aside their personal gain for an idea?

These are the times that try men's souls, as Thomas Paine once said - over 200 years ago. That should give you a clue that our country has never been completely free of trying times. The times are always trying; it's only the issues that change, and even then, they don't really change all that much. In 2012 we still have concerns about the state of the economy and the reach of the government's control. Political campaigns were just as vitriolic then as now, even without the influence of social media.

Our country isn't perfect, because we aren't perfect. It can only be as good as we are, and as mere humans, we are inherently flawed. Our history isn't pretty, but it's made us who we are, for better and for worse. I can only speak for myself, but I'm happy to be here. And if you're not - well, stop flapping your jaws about how we're going to hell in a handbasket, and start doing something about it.

John Adams did.

Till next time ---